I never would have thought that I’d feel most beautiful covered in mud and sweat while hiking through the jungle in the Philippines. In that moment, I felt confident that I was a strong woman who didn’t need to fit conventional beauty standards to be happy, but that hadn’t always come easily to me.
Body-positivity is hard to come by these days and I had to travel halfway around the world to find some.
I’ve spent most of my life feeling like an ugly duckling, but struggled most with my body image in my early 20s. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a hormonal disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. In addition to some nasty side effects, the disorder has a large effect on physical appearance– including acne, excess body hair and weight gain. Any lingering teenage angst I had about my appearance came back ten-fold.
I started doing everything in my power to hide how ugly I felt. I began rocking giant sweaters with leggings to work everyday to hide the weight that I couldn’t stop gaining despite my best efforts. I spent so much time dieting and working out but the number on the scale just kept rising. I piled on makeup to hide the acne and spent hours plucking hairs. As a low maintenance girl, it was my personal hell.
It felt like my body had turned on me. I felt trapped. I felt like I was fighting an impossible battle and it really messed with my mental state.
I began toying with the idea of taking a career break to travel. Travel had always been my passion and the need to get away had never been stronger. I thought about it and thought about it, until one day I just hit a breaking point. Boom! All of the sudden, I had a flight booked to Thailand and a rough guide of where I would spend my next few months.
I struggled with the decision to go on the trip and much of that struggle came from my body image issues. I felt I was too fat to do all the adventurous things I had in mind. I was convinced that Asia wouldn’t have a stitch of clothing that would cover me. I had nightmares where people pointed and stared as I walked through the streets. I spent many sleepless nights telling myself the thousands of reasons I should just stay home. But then I put on my big girl pants (pun intended!) and took the steps to make my dreams come true.
I packed all my makeup and my fat-hiding clothes, planning to continue my old tricks in new places. But Thailand had something else in mind. My make- up was sweating off my face by lunchtime and all my shirts shrunk or got ruined much faster than I thought. I tried all I could, but what worked at home wasn’t going to work there.
Sweaty, tired and feeling like a complete mess in the middle of a beautiful temple, I realized something had to give.
But then something sorta crazy started to happen. I started to care less and less. One day, while cruising around the Thai islands, I realized I hadn’t pulled my make up out in several days. I still had spots but less stress, a fresh food diet and some vitamin D had left my skin feeling much better.
Not only that, but I stopped hiding my body at the beach. Fresh food and an active lifestyle had helped me lose 5 pounds. It was only a fraction of the weight I had put on in recent months, but I finally felt like maybe feeling healthy again was possible.
I began to focus on the amazing experiences I was having, instead of spending all my time hating the changes in my body. I stopped inspecting my face every time I passed a reflective surface (Bless, Southeast Asia and it’s lack of mirrors ?). I stopped comparing every curve and roll on my body to the other women around me. I began loving all the non-physical things this adventure was changing about me.
I admired my newfound confidence in approaching a group of people I didn’t know. I loved how I suddenly felt a need to challenge myself at every opportunity and I couldn’t get over my ever-growing sense of adventure. I felt a personality that I had stamped down while trying to blend in, just dying to get out and explore this new freedom.
This confidence was a strange feeling for me. Before, trips to the beach were filled with worries about being labeled the fat chick in a bathing suit. I now spent them exploring coral reefs, sunbathing and genuinely not caring about what anyone thought of me. In the past, I would have never signed up for a hike because no one wants the fat girl to join. Suddenly, I was taking on every challenge presented to me because why the heck not!? I traded all the time I usually spent analyzing what others were thinking about me and spent it all having a genuinely good time. I felt good.
Seriously, even buying new shorts at a store called “Fat Girl” in Bangkok couldn’t bring me down!
I found this deep love for my body and the amazing things it can do. My arms, that I thought were weak, allowed me to swim with turtles and scuba dive amazing shipwrecks. My thick thighs brought me up mountains and through rice paddies. My back carried a backpack through 10 different countries. The smile on my acne-scarred face made me friends all over the globe. In case you didn’t know, my body is kind of a badass. It fights off this hormonal disorder while doing all of the above with ease. My body that I hated so much allowed me to have so many adventures.
In case you didn’t know, my body is kind of a badass.
I finally feel like I was set free from the sadness and self-hatred that gripped me when I was first diagnosed. Little things that sent me into a downward spiral before, no longer faze me because I’m stronger. I still struggle with many of the health aspects of the disorder. But now I take them head on because I know my body is there to fight back with me.
Travel gave me an amazing gift. It taught me tons about the world and the people in it. It taught me to have compassion and love others. Most importantly, it taught me to love myself.
yaaaaas love this <3 I'm a curvy girl and stressed out HUGE before heading to SE Asia and yet it was NBD at all. It's funny how travel can change your mindset about things, and although I'm no smaller or skinnier post travel I feel so much more confident.
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Looking back, it’s so funny how I hyped it all up in my head and no one really cared too much once I got there. We play too many mind games with ourselves! Yay to being confident in ourselves ?
I completely relate to your story, I have been through the same. I’ve alway have felt the ugly duckling thnx to my hormonal imbalance. I’ve always felt not feminine enough; so last december I traveled to the UK on my own and that gave me a confidence boost. Thank you for sharing your story.
I love that solo travel gave you the confidence boost you needed! Appreciate you sharing your story <3
You are such a ROCKSTAR! Thank you so much for sharing your inspirational story. There were so many things that resonated with me on my own quest for self love. Thank you for being a hero to us plus size women! ❤
Thanks girl! Your blog is super inspiring ?
I love your positivity. I also spend way too much time fretting over my body while traveling (Why must there be so many rail-thin gypsy goddesses everywhere I turn? Where the f*ck do they come from?!), and am inspired by you growing past these thoughts and accepting that all that matters is that you’re enjoying yourself and loving life. Keep killing it 😀
P.S. Pretty sure it’s a fact that no foreign girl can fit into the clothes in SE Asia. I have destroyed many articles of clothing attempting to disprove this fact.
I almost just spit out my coffee laughing while reading your comment! Instagram needs more women of all sizes posing in beautiful places instead of just rail-thin goddess. Also those shorts from “Fat Girl” are still my fave thing in my closet so it’s chill.
Great inspiring article!
Thanks for writing it 🙂
x
Kudos for sharing this tough journey with us. I’m so glad you found the courage to travel when you needed it and that it had such a positive impact on your body image. You are beautiful, no matter what! It’s sad that our minds play tricks on us like imagining that other people actually care what we look like. Everyone is WAY to wrapped up in themselves to care…but the mind is a powerful thing and it will always find ways to convince us that we have something to be ashamed of.
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You’re too sweet! It’s so true that we are our own harshest critics. Definitely something I try to remind myself of everyday.
YES! to all of it! Loving ourselves is a revolution! Just recently I wrote on a similar subject – feeling that all women – no matter age, size or fitness levels got out there and enjoyed the nature. Focusing on what my body can do and achieve helped me feel proud of it.
Beautiful post. Have a great one!
Ioanna (A Awoman Afoot)
Yes! Just read your article and LOVED it!
I really loved your story and honesty.
My story is kind of similar. Well, I have never been overweight, but always very conscious about how my body looked. I had about 3-4 years where I was all about fitness, I even competed in fitness competition and power lifting and I had a famous (haha) booty, strong legs and a beautiful muscular back. I started to care less about the food, but still worked out. When I moved to Chile I stopped worked out bc of time and lack of opportunities. After only 1 month I started see changes; I lost my muscles and my body became soft. My famous butt was gone. I know it sounds a bit funny, but it kind of hurt when my husband mentioned it. It took me some time to accept that I was having a “normal and soft body”. But today I dont care – its appearance and I know what my body is capable of doing! I should be happy that my whole body actually works! Thanks for sharing your story and good luck with that badass body!
br Nana
Thanks for sharing your story! Everyone’s struggle is different and I’m so glad that you found peace with your body. <3
So touching to read your story. I think most women have to go through at least one period of struggling with body image in their life, though with different reasons. Travelling can help us realise how much our bodies can do for us 🙂
That’s a great attitude to have, very positive. There are good people and bad people in the world, who cares what the bad people think? You are right, your body got you to the beach, and you swam to see the turtles, you are very strong. Some people aren’t strong enough to leave their small town.
life definitely gets better the less you care about what other people think. ‘F#ck em! And move on…’ that’s my motto. Well done for being brave. Good post. Thanks for sharing. Be lucky!
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Haha this is so true! I dig the motto and might adopt it myself.
How inspiring! What an amazing story girl! You’re killing it, continue on your adventures and _uck what other people think!
Ive been traveling the last 2 years and the more I travel the less I care about my appearance. I havent used make up in so long and it is so nice. Nice post, I think positive body image is super important. Happy Travels 🙂
You have such a great confidence, I admire you so much 🙂 I often worry about what I look like when we go swimming and get stressed about weight all the time! But travel always helps me forget about it a bit more and this post has inspired me to look after myself and feel more confident 🙂
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Thanks for sharing that you worry about your image, Katie! Sometimes it can feel like it’s only you who is self conscious at the beach but I’m pretty sure that tall, fat or skinny every woman is having the same self deprecating thoughts. This is what I tell myself and it always seems to help.
I’ve loved watching your blog grow in the scene the last few months! You’re videos are amazing! Keep up the amazing work and stay beautiful ❤️
I love how raw you are in this post. It’s great to hear that travel helped you to love yourself. You’re truly an inspiration to girls all over. I have friends who are a little worried about their image so I’ll definitely share this with them. Hopefully it’ll give them the confidence to love themselves too!
Travel gave me more confidence too (a different type of confidence) and taught me not to give a damn. Before my first solo trip, I was struggling with trying to “please” everyone and never tried stepping on anyone’s toes. But now I’ve learnt to stand my ground and realised life is too short to be concerned about anyone else.
Travel is the best life teacher (in my opinion). Great read 🙂
Yes! I totally agree. I’ve learned more about the world and myself on the road than I ever did in a classroom. I’m so glad you found what you needed from your travel experiences!
Thanks for your sweet words and for sharing with your friends! ?
Good for you! What a GREAT post! The world is full of so many ‘should’s’ and so on about a woman and how she should look/act/feel, etc….what a glorious adventure you’ve had on a journey that has led to self acceptance. Happy for you and happy for all the women who will learn from you that you are wonderful just the way you are…everyone….and that no matter our thigh size…we have wonderful lives to lead and can make fantastic contributions along the way.
We always travel with the kids and always think of travel as educational. I’ve not worried about my weight over the years (though I think every woman has ‘felt’ fat or unattractive) but have a dear friend who has struggled and I’ve learned a lot from her. Once she and I were in a museum looking at rembrandt art and she commented that she was born at the wrong time as the woman in the painting was voluptuous. That has stuck with me and I use art and travel to point out that there are a lot of views out there….a lot of opinions and the definition of the ‘right body size and shape’ has sure changed over the years. Everyone needs to try and love the skin they are in.
Yeah you!!! Travel on girly!
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First of all, I have totally said the same thing as your friend staring at a beautiful statue in the Ufizzi! It’s so true that we base our body image off of some notion created by the media and not how we feel. If you feel healthy and comfortable, then that should be all you need!
This post was hard for me to press publish on, since like you said there are so many “shoulds” for women and one of them is basically that women “shouldn’t” like their bodies or be happy in their skin. I thought I would get a few negative comments from the internet trolls but instead I’ve heard from some of the most amazing women (like you!). My hope is that by posting this, it will make a woman somewhere who is deep in the struggle feel just a little bit better. <3
Good for you, Kassie! It really is about how healthy and strong you are rather than how you look. Every body is built differently, and someone who appears to be bigger could very well be 100x healthier than a stick thin model looking person! At the end of the day it really is about how you feel and the confidence you have in yourself. Really inspirational read – thank you!
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Very true, Diana! It’s important to love yourself and have confidence. It really affects how you live your daily life!
You have nothing to worry about bodywise you are beautiful. I can however relate to how you feel I hate seeing pictures of myself so much that I avoid the camera but then I miss having a record of me being in the places I visit and to be honest I don’t care anymore what people think of me. I have gone through cancer treatment and I am just happy to be alive lol. I love the photo of you on the swing looks so professional
Oh girl, if you fought cancer and won you should you should be taking pictures all over the place! I’m so happy to hear that you found the confidence to stop caring what other’s think (I’ve mostly found that they aren’t really paying attention anyways!). Thank you for sharing and I’m looking forward to a lot more blog posts with pictures of your beautiful face in the future <3
As a young traveler who has always struggled with body image, I totally agree! I had this same feeling when I was hauling myself up the side of a waterfall in El Yunque, (PR) a few weeks ago! The other travelers were taking breaks but I was right behind the insanely fit but wonderful guide. It feels good to be strong! It takes a strong woman to travel solo!
Yes, you go girl! So true that just traveling solo is brave on its own. Thanks for sharing. Your comment put such a smile on my face! ?
This is exactly how I feel travelling, it’s as if you become a new person. I’m so happy I found your blog! ❤
Aww thanks so much, Irena! Happy to have you here! 🙂
Just saw your post on Pinterest, and I don’t usually comment on any blogs and I suddenly felt the need to after I’ve read your post. I just to let you know that you are amazing for having this newfound realization! Thanks for being an inspiration for the ladies who are not quite there yet in terms of self-love/self-confidence. I could definitely relate with you as well, Traveling has tremendously changed my life in so many ways! I don’t think that I would be the person that I am right now if I didn’t take the chance to solo travel and find more about myself. So huge props to you girly! More power to your blog <3
Kris
Hi Kris! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and share. I hope that this does help someone who was in the same place I was only about a year ago find the peace I have now (and I hope it inspires someone who was on the fence to solo travel to just do it!)
Nice article! I can definitely relate to some of the confidence issues as I’m sure a majority of women could. We always seem to focus on what we think is wrong with us. I can’t believe how much of my like I spent thinking I was fat! I’m so glad Traveling has been a powerful tool for you…it really does open your eyes to what’s really important. Glad I found your blog? …is there really a store called “Fat Girl”?!?
Haha yes, there really is a store called Fat Girl. But its really more of a stall in MBK. I had to ask around for awhile and I thought they were all calling me Fat Girl until I saw the stall’s sign. The funny part is I didn’t even care at that point!!
Hi, Kassie! I love reading this article, it’s nice to know how travel changes your perspective, and I think it gives inspiration to other women out there. 😉
Awesome! Traveling definitely has helped me with this as well. Beauty standards change so much between countries and regions! Also, you gotta just go with the flow and eat whatever there is!
This is so true! It’s interesting to travel to parts of the world where stick thin isn’t beauty standard. Always reminds me to step back and reevaluate whose standards I’m trying to me– societies or my goal for a healthier life.
Travelling has a great influence on our lives, Kassie! Likewise, I was thought to love myself and my body through travel experience!
What a wonderful article. I’m an older (ok, I’m 63) woman who used to be thin and strong. But age, illness and medication have changed my body and added a lot of weight. It’s hard sometimes to accept those changes. Still, I plan to do some extended solo travel in South America in a few years. I can’t wait. This article has encouraged me to just enjoy the experience and forget about how I look. Thank you.
Hi Nancy! Thanks so much for sharing your story. I love your attitude and outlook! I hope you have an amazing time in South America 🙂
Love this so hard. Thank you.
Thank you for reading <3 <3
Just found this through Pinterest and it resonated with me strongly. I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia since I was a teenager and travel has definitely helped me to let go of obsessing about my body so much and try to live in the moment more.
I think it can be so so important to get outside your head sometimes and just enjoy what life has to offer. Because at the end of the day, a body is just a vessel for a mind, right?